The Crush

The first boy I have ever liked was my childhood playmate. Looking back at our younger, innocent days makes me feel nostalgic. The memory paints a smile on my lips.

His physical features pretty much broadcasts his half-American descent. Skin, ivory white. Nose, long and pointed. Lips, almost blood red. Cheeks, full and rosy. He was the tall and cute mestizo kid who lived two blocks away from our old house. He was every girl's ultimate first crush material.

The memory of a first crush is a reminder of how simple life used to be. He made me happy because he would always let me decide which game to play or which toy to play with. I liked him because he made me happy. I looked forward to his family's visits over to our house because I liked him. Nothing too complicated, except for the part where I didn't know how to react whenever the older people teased us. I didn't even know that what they were doing was teasing. All I knew was that I would always turn tomato red whenever it happened. Awkward.

My first crush will always have a special place in my heart. He was the first to make me realize that I am capable of feeling certain things toward people. I just didn't know then that when I grew up, I would be this mushy hopeless-romantic piece.

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Photo taken from this page.

LDR Lessons from Going the Distance

Modern technology opens ways to introduce and connect people from distant parts of the world in a fast and efficient way. Just recently, my friend's French boy friend flew here in the Philippines to finally meet her for the first time. It was nice seeing them together but there have been problems. Take language, for example. Online, it's very easy to have their sentences translated by Google, but in person, it was like a different world altogether. One of them had to draw some things to make the other understand. Talk about gap. 

But realistically, just because you both speak the same language does not mean you will always understand each other, like Erin (Drew Barrymore) and Garrett (Justin Long) in the rom-com film, Going the Distance. There are other huge things to consider to make it work: 

1. Accept the distance. Being in a relationship is already a responsibility in itself. Both parties know that some things will get in their way and make things difficult. Adding the "miles factor" does not make things easier. Garrett and Erin knew that they have to shuttle back and from between New York and San Francisco to make their relationship work. They both knew it's physically and emotionally draining. But right off the beginning, whether they were ready for it or not, they accepted it and whatever came with it. That's where the relationship started. Acceptance. 

2. Take only the time you can get. You are in a long distance relationship for a reason. His life is there; yours is here. There are valuable things you both can't let go of from both your places. Meaning, aside your relationship, there are other things that demand your separate attention. The things you're doing may be for your future together but you may have to do those individually. You will be given time, just don't expect too much.

3. Take turns. Just because you're the girl doesn't mean you have to wait for him to visit you. Save money, princess. Plan a trip to his place. Visit his family and friends. Get to know the environment he lives in. Not only will you make him happy, you'll also feel more connected to him. You'll be glad to realize just how much of "you" is inside his room. Plus, isn't it great to know what his favorite cafe looks like?

4. Put your faith in each other. Trust your partner wholly. It can never be just part of your trust. Give it entirely. You both need it. Also, tell each other everything. EVERYTHING. 

5. What you feel, your partner feels. If you miss him, know that he misses you as well. If you want to celebrate her job promotion, know that she wants you to be in her party as well. Whatever it is that you're longing for, your partner longs for as well. It's never a one-way street. It's not only difficult for you. 

6. Don't push things too far. You're already far. There's no need for that. Garrett and Erin broke up not because they no longer love each other. They split up because they couldn't push things too far just yet. Garrett cannot allow Erin to move to New York for him because she may feel happy at first, but when things start to disappoint her, she would start blaming Garrett or their relationship for it. She would calculate and say she sacrificed more to keep them together. It would end, but not in a good way. They decided to give their relationship its best chance. They had to let go for a while.

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Photo taken from this page.

To the Man I Had to Hurt to Make Things Right

I've never mastered the art of writing a sad love letter only because I've never written one. I've heard people started with a simple "Hello," or "I'm sorry." I'm starting mine with one simple, desperate-sounding sentence.

I miss you.

It has not been a week since I broke the strings off but already I want to buy a plane ticket and fly to you and beg you to take me back. That would be weird. As with this letter because I was the one who decided it's best we stopped dating now. You'd think I'm making no sense in saying that or feeling that. But I am. I do. I miss you.

Let me be clear. I do not miss having someone to kiss and hold me when my nights are cold; someone I could talk to whenever I need to grieve or celebrate; someone who would drown in the silence with me as we wrap ourselves around each other; someone who could make me laugh and cry. I do not miss having someone to do those things with. I miss having you to share those moments with.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for making you feel like I dropped you so easily. I isn't like that. If it were so easy, I wouldn't be writing this letter now and saying things like "I miss you." But like I said during our last phone call, this is the right, the best, and the mature thing to do. We need to make individual adjustments first before we could be together the proper way. Besides, weren't you the one who always said that things are going to get worse before they get better? The best romances require the greatest sacrifices. 

I also want to apologize for every little thing I've done that hurt and disappointed you. I've learned my lesson(s).

I promise.

Even though we decided not to communicate for a while to effectively move past this heartbreaking stage, I promise I would never do anything that I know would hurt you or disappoint you. I've already done enough by managing to break both our hearts. I couldn't stand making more damage than I already did. I also promise to take good care of my health. That has always been one of your primary concerns. I will follow all the doctor's orders.

I hope you take good care of yourself too. I'm sure you're gonna spend a lot of money on drinks and gadgets and food. I just hope you're not gonna end up becoming an obese drunkard with cool gadgets and no money.

I will keep on missing you.

You are still the first thought that greets me in the morning, and the good night image I see before I close my eyes. Just because I've kept traces of you inside a big box doesn't mean nothing's left to remind me of you. We've been together too long I can't seem to recall doing anything without you. It's not a bad thing, really. It even makes me smile a bit. You are still my happy thought. Always have been. Always will be.

I'm feeling a lump in my throat now so I think this is where my letter has to end. Think of me sometimes. When you do, think not about how it ended but how great we were together. Think not about getting stuck in this dark moment but how we'd fall in love again in the future.

I love you still, but today I chose to look past that to allow myself to love you better tomorrow.

The Meeting

 

For me, this is how it all started.. 

It was one summer night in QC. I was just staying there for a little less than two months. Taking up some units for school, while trying to mend a broken heart. I opened the bathroom door and saw a boy standing right outside, obviously waiting impatiently for his turn to use the loo. It was at an inconvenient time for both of us. He wanted to pee, and I just finished throwing up. As far as I can remember, he asked me if I was okay, and then I apologized for not cleaning up my mess. I remembered him grinning a little bit before saying it's okay and that he'll fix it himself. At that moment, I did not really think about what he thought of me. My mind was wandering off somewhere else. I stared at myself in the mirror, and I cannot remember how long I stayed there. Pretty long maybe, because I was still there when the guy got out of the bathroom. Again, he asked if I was okay. I wasn't. I was heartbroken, and I was pissed off because I was with my sister and her (then) boyfriend. Seeing them swoon over each other was like adding salt to the wound. And I was drunk. 

I wasn't thinking straight so I didn't know that this is what happened next (he filled it in for me): I asked him if he could pretend to be someone I know and just act as if he's listening. That's how we met each other. That's the first time I saw him my entire life. But it wasn't his first time seeing me. That.. That is his side of the story. 

Up until now, I do not understand how a crazy, unconventional way of meeting someone could lead to a love for keeps. Most of our progress developed because of his sweet sweet efforts. He made me believe in a lot of things again. Hope. Life. Faith. And love. I was a zombie when he met me. But he gave me a heart again.

Now, we're on our journey to a lifetime. It's not an easy road though. We're miles apart; we only see each other at least three times a year; I'm working while he's studying; we're both setting our spiritual lives straight; we both have ambitions; we both have different life goals. Trust me, there are still a lot of adjusting and fixing to do, but both of us are more than willing to go through it together. I admit, it is difficult to not have him with me when I want to share a good laugh, or when I feel like kissing someone after watching a lovely film, or when I want to just stare at the beautiful night sky while being wrapped up around a warm embrace. It's also sad that I can't happily jump around and celebrate my achievements with him all the time. But as they say, patience pays off. 

I've never been fond of waiting. But what we have, this love, is more than enough to motivate me to do better and be more patient about things. If this is a race, and if the prize is having him for the rest of my life, I'd run along and follow the track. And I'll make sure I'll win.

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From my previous blog. Edited. Photo taken from this page.