So, I haven't been writing for the past few months only because I was afraid that if I put things into writing, they become eternal. They become emotions I can conveniently retrieve every single time I scan through my blog. The past couple of months weren't exactly the best time. Quite the opposite. I was afraid that I'd dive back into that sinking feeling if I read through this post again in the future. I was afraid that if I wrote them down, it would become even more real. Like etched in stone. Tonight, however, it dawned to me
—they're meant to be written as reminders of how I should always strive to be better to not ever go back to that horrid state again.
(Fair warning: This is an "I" post. So... Yeah.)
I feel like shit. I feel so lost and incomplete I can barely walk with my own two feet. I have been gliding along the winds of change and I have no idea where it's taking me. I am not better but I know I haven't gotten worse. I am just what I am. Lost. Incomplete.
I am the worst child of God. I have been so soaked up with my swelling emotions that I never even made earnest efforts to seek Him again. I have always prayed. I never stopped. I just felt like I have lost my connection with the one person I know I should lay my life on the line for.
I am the worst daughter. I have done everything every daughter should be ashamed of. I have disappointed my parents in every non-fashionable manner. I do not have the face to even show myself to them.
I am the worst sister. I have grown distant to the two people who look after me when I couldn't seem to manage myself. I shoved them off, maybe a bit too far, that I can't seem to reach them even with both arms extended.
I am the worst friend. Instead of being supportive, I may have ended up unconsciously competing with his girl only because I thought I'd be less important to him if I didn't fight back. Turns out fighting is never the cure. In the process of hurting them both, I lost my best friend and hurt myself.
I am the worst partner. It's difficult to date me because of too many restrictions. Though I work on things, I am quite a slow learner. My eagerness to adopt and adjust and be better is there, the work is there, but the progress takes time. If the guy I'm dating can't stretch his patience, then we might not be able to stretch our relationship.
I can be quite disappointing.
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Photo taken from this site.
