On Losing a Best Friend

He was the only person you depended on during high school. You would never have made it out of that dreaded place if it weren't for his help. He was your teenage hero, your confidante. When the entire world judged you, he defended you. When you were chained down by depression and shame, he freed you. While other people offered their friendships in exchange for something, he lent his shoulders and arms for free.

All of those are suddenly nowhere to be found. You haven't noticed that it has been more than a year since you last saw each other. You suddenly realized how things fell apart from that point forward. During that last face-to-face conversation, he told you his stupid decision of staying away because his stupid-excuse-of-a-girlfriend asked him to. That moment, all you wanted was to grab his hand and tell him to snap out of it. But you didn't. Instead, you gave him his freedom and prayed that one day he'll wake up from that trans. You hoped he'd realize the value of your friendship and that he'd come back. You know that after making and tolerating mistakes, if he comes back, you would welcome him with an open heart. You know that after hurting and getting hurt, if he comes back, you will help him recover from the bruises and not judge him for whatever had happened. You know that despite everything, if he comes back, he will still have you. 

Recently, you see him only in your dreams and you're thankful that at least in your head, nothing has changed between you two. Though it has been more than a year since you last saw him and talked to him over the phone, it does not change the fact that you are still hoping. You do not have the slightest idea as to how he's doing right now but it does not mean you've never asked or you do not care anymore. Because if he only knew how much you've missed him, you know he'd regret ever leaving.

Right now, you are scared: scared of the possibility that you're the only one hoping to patch things up; afraid you're the only one who wants back in to the friendship; fear you might be disillusioned that while he is completely satisfied with his life without you, you're still waiting in uncertainty. These thoughts are the acids that eat away your faith of him ever coming back. But you promised. You vowed you'd wait and trust that he'll come back. So you wait.

As you tread on to different paths, you could only focus on the good memories and the lessons you've learned from him while looking forward to meeting him at the crossroads. Though it's difficult to admit, part of you is actually hoping that he found love in the arms of that despicable woman. Otherwise, most of these would've gone to waste. It surprised you at first but after thinking clearly, you're not mad. You will never have the heart to get angry at him. 

You were not supposed to write about this but your spontaneity betrays you. And as you've finally decided just drop it for now, it rained. And oh, the rain. It takes you back to high school. 

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Some lines taken from my previous blog.